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I love you. No matter how I have to bury it, I still do love you. But affixed to that love are all the other emotions that cropped up during the 14 months we were together. I tried my level best to separate the pain from the love for the past 4 months, following the Asperger's Syndrome decision on my part. That could well have become the Turning Point, at which I could leave behind all the pain and suffering I endured during the 14 months.
Unfortunately, because I am so tied up with you, Kyle, I found that no matter how hard I tried to let it go, to leave it all behind, anything you did brought it all right back and mashed it together again. I tried to leave behind all previous expectations; they kept coming back despite my efforts. I tried to leave behind all negative feelings, and proceed with the tempered good feelings. I couldn't see past the bad. I couldn't let it go enough and keep it gone.
I am standing in the way, Kyle. I need you to be things far in excess of the progress you've made. I'd like, more than most anything else I can think of to be there and help you grow, and watch you grow, and ..... everything. But, I am standing in your way. My associations with my own love for you prevent me from giving you a fair shot at actual growth. I can't keep my focus to leaving the past in the past, I can't allow you the latitude to show me the various way you're growing because I can't unhinge my feelings from my love and caring. And I can't see any way to actually make that happen while we're together.
Unfortunately, because I am so tied up with you, Kyle, I found that no matter how hard I tried to let it go, to leave it all behind, anything you did brought it all right back and mashed it together again. I tried to leave behind all previous expectations; they kept coming back despite my efforts. I tried to leave behind all negative feelings, and proceed with the tempered good feelings. I couldn't see past the bad. I couldn't let it go enough and keep it gone.
I am standing in the way, Kyle. I need you to be things far in excess of the progress you've made. I'd like, more than most anything else I can think of to be there and help you grow, and watch you grow, and ..... everything. But, I am standing in your way. My associations with my own love for you prevent me from giving you a fair shot at actual growth. I can't keep my focus to leaving the past in the past, I can't allow you the latitude to show me the various way you're growing because I can't unhinge my feelings from my love and caring. And I can't see any way to actually make that happen while we're together.
