Anger and other hurt
2002-Aug-20, Tuesday 12:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ssurgulThe other night, I had said that all too often, it seemed you were putting yourself in the role of being able to say whatever you wanted to, and you were expecting others to have no reaction to it at all. Tonight, at the end of the conversation, I felt that occurred again.
You said, at the end, just once you'd like to be able to express your anger and frustrations without making me angry and frustrated. Well, what you had said in that dissertation only served to hurt me a great deal. Why? Because you were very self-denigrating, and you kept saying that you never had any opportunity to possibly succeed at doing this singular thing that (honestly, to my mind) seems to have become the single most important thing we discussed. I say that because it's been the center of conversation between us during these chats far more than any other singular topic.
Trust, desire, and assurance of longevity. Those were the three things put on the idea of my submitting to anyone. Saying that you never had any option to do any of them means that, really, I shouldn't have trusted you, even when I was considering letting you fuck me. The big way to have me trust you was consistency in action, namely in the chores. If you couldn't show the dedication to those, which were simple (again to my mind), what the hell likelihood would I have to believe that you'd show dedication to anything which was unpleasant in the future? That might be an unfair assertion, because what does the future have to do with chores, after all.... But, dedication is dedication. It can be applied to any number of scenarios. And, time after time, I perceived a gradual or sharp fall off of dedication, to the training, and even at times, to me.
I don't feel I was asking too much for that. But, overall, I keep perceiving that this 'blessed act' has taken on a dimension and a depth that it was never really meant to have. And that everything would have been 'ok', if it had happened, if I hadn't made it so impossible for you to do. But, I'd want to turn that around, and say instead, that if everything were 'ok', it would have happened. And, to hear that it couldn't have happened, at all, just reinforces that there is a problem with perceptions. You stated that I had set an impossible task to do. But, I didn't, don't, and won't consider it impossible. I consider it a level of commitment that I guess you just can't meet or exceed. And I guess that's the difference.
But, regardless of my differences of opinion on that, it falls to what I said was really frustrating to me about so much of this entire situation. You seem only too happy to take your own self-denigration to illogical extremes. It becomes 'I had difficulty with this.' Then, 'This was almost impossible.' then it finally becomes, 'I couldn't, can't, and never could do this.' I know it's your depression and OCD flaring up again, but listening to it more and more becomes that much more painful to hear. You say you want to get your pain and frustration out, without inspiring the same in me, but I'm emotionally invested in you, Kyle. It would be essentially turning off every feeling I have for you. I hold in a lot of my anger, even now, regarding you because a lot of it is reactionary anger based on things you say that frustrate me. It would do no good to bring it out in the open immediately. I've tried to keep the appropriate pieces internally, and ride them out to let them dissipate with sleep and such. But, holding me accountable to having a reaction when you're allowing yourself any response you deem fit, it's never going to fly with me. And that's what I feel like is happening with these sessions where you want to vent your anger at me, to me.
Let me get angry. I, too, am allowed that reaction. I do let you continue talking, to get your own anger out. Most times, I don't say anything right then because I know my own reactions are based on my emotional ties to you. Finish what you have to say. Accept that I'm going to get angry, and I'm going to be hurt, but that I'll also likely have released most if not all of it by morning.
You said, at the end, just once you'd like to be able to express your anger and frustrations without making me angry and frustrated. Well, what you had said in that dissertation only served to hurt me a great deal. Why? Because you were very self-denigrating, and you kept saying that you never had any opportunity to possibly succeed at doing this singular thing that (honestly, to my mind) seems to have become the single most important thing we discussed. I say that because it's been the center of conversation between us during these chats far more than any other singular topic.
Trust, desire, and assurance of longevity. Those were the three things put on the idea of my submitting to anyone. Saying that you never had any option to do any of them means that, really, I shouldn't have trusted you, even when I was considering letting you fuck me. The big way to have me trust you was consistency in action, namely in the chores. If you couldn't show the dedication to those, which were simple (again to my mind), what the hell likelihood would I have to believe that you'd show dedication to anything which was unpleasant in the future? That might be an unfair assertion, because what does the future have to do with chores, after all.... But, dedication is dedication. It can be applied to any number of scenarios. And, time after time, I perceived a gradual or sharp fall off of dedication, to the training, and even at times, to me.
I don't feel I was asking too much for that. But, overall, I keep perceiving that this 'blessed act' has taken on a dimension and a depth that it was never really meant to have. And that everything would have been 'ok', if it had happened, if I hadn't made it so impossible for you to do. But, I'd want to turn that around, and say instead, that if everything were 'ok', it would have happened. And, to hear that it couldn't have happened, at all, just reinforces that there is a problem with perceptions. You stated that I had set an impossible task to do. But, I didn't, don't, and won't consider it impossible. I consider it a level of commitment that I guess you just can't meet or exceed. And I guess that's the difference.
But, regardless of my differences of opinion on that, it falls to what I said was really frustrating to me about so much of this entire situation. You seem only too happy to take your own self-denigration to illogical extremes. It becomes 'I had difficulty with this.' Then, 'This was almost impossible.' then it finally becomes, 'I couldn't, can't, and never could do this.' I know it's your depression and OCD flaring up again, but listening to it more and more becomes that much more painful to hear. You say you want to get your pain and frustration out, without inspiring the same in me, but I'm emotionally invested in you, Kyle. It would be essentially turning off every feeling I have for you. I hold in a lot of my anger, even now, regarding you because a lot of it is reactionary anger based on things you say that frustrate me. It would do no good to bring it out in the open immediately. I've tried to keep the appropriate pieces internally, and ride them out to let them dissipate with sleep and such. But, holding me accountable to having a reaction when you're allowing yourself any response you deem fit, it's never going to fly with me. And that's what I feel like is happening with these sessions where you want to vent your anger at me, to me.
Let me get angry. I, too, am allowed that reaction. I do let you continue talking, to get your own anger out. Most times, I don't say anything right then because I know my own reactions are based on my emotional ties to you. Finish what you have to say. Accept that I'm going to get angry, and I'm going to be hurt, but that I'll also likely have released most if not all of it by morning.