![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
It's too long otherwise.
2002-May-20, Monday 11:46 pmKyle,
(This post is written when I'm still quite frustrated, angry and annoyed, so it's at least partially a vent.)
First, let me try and explain the situation with people like Banner. I don't mind if people have to take a few times to explain something, if the other person clearly isn't 'getting it'. But, people like Banner tend to repeat the same thing, over and over, and over in conversation, both to continue to hear themselves, and to continue to poll/fish for responses they 'want' to hear. It thus has little to do with communication, and more typically to do with insecurity. While I can listen, I really don't want to devote time to listening to drivel like that. Nor do I feel the need to be repeatedly drilled into for a point that is both minor and long-term inconsequential. My mom did it to me, and you can guess where that's led.
As to the situation with your drug use. I fully understand your reasoning for having done so. My concern stems more toward a high-level concept I read in The Battles of the Autistic Thinker, regarding needing to start with a clean slate. All too often, I've watched you completely scrub entire reasoning sets and experiences solely because of one setback, even a minor one, with the intention of simply having to start all over and explore everything once again. And, here again, I see you doing precisely that. You had accepted that many of your personal habits from before were 'bad'. You had done without drugs for a long while. You had become addicted to Vicoden, and I'd hoped that would have shown you precisely what it is to live at the mercy of a chemical substance. And it honestly seems as though little of the previous experience has 'stuck' with you here. Granted, this could well be a case of statements before having changed utterly, and no corrective information being given on them, which then leads to inconsistency and hypocrisy, which are, to me, very bad. You'd said previously that I made a habit of assuming I know everything and then judging accordingly. I had tried to correct you on that by clarifying that I will base my reactions on what I see and what I'm told. I will ask when things are not clear. But, with you, it seems you want me to ask about each and every action, because you seem to be trying to distance yourself from any sort of long-term status or situation. More and more, it's become 'this me, right now; then has totally changed'. While I can appreciate revelation changing certain aspects, or perhaps even your whole world view, it's definitely not 'normal' to be doing it with the frequency you're doing it. And it makes it nearly impossible to try and keep up with any of your changing moods/patterns/behaviors, which makes it difficult to want to even try.
And, yes, this has led me to be greatly frustrated, annoyed, and fed up with you. I won't lie. I'd told you I would be cleaning/packing/working all day Sunday. That was so you would make the effort to be here during the day when these things were happening. But, you didn't show until after 6. Thus putting off what we were supposed to be doing, from either perspective, until much later in the night. My billing was not done; I was planning on doing it last night, after we'd talked and gotten more cleaning done. But, that wasn't to be. Thus, I had to finish my billing this morning. Hopefully there will be enough time to get it processed for month end, so I can actually recoup some money. But, this goes right back to another reason I really disliked it when, and still do really, you stayed out all night and partied, whether there was alcohol/drugs/sex involved or not. Every time the next day or two was a complete waste. And that pattern held true this time as well. While I did get cleaning and other things done, the 'important' thing didn't get done because I knew I needed to talk to you. You were highest on my priority list, even though I was thoroughly pissed off with you. It certainly didn't make me feel like a priority at all to be hanging around through the day and early evening, waiting for you to show up.
Finally, I am also thoroughly fed up with this attitude you've hit me with three times now. 2 in person, with 2 in LJ. One of these is an overlap whereby you stated it in person, and then restated it precisely in LJ, so I count that as one. I'm getting sick and tired of being directly accused of looking down on you because you have a single thought that I don't sanction. I don't know who or what put that idea into your head, but if that's the way I'm to be treated, then I'll just stop this shit now, for good. You having ideas is just fine. You having your own plan is just fine. I will always take exception, and always point out diametric opposites in anyone who comes to me for ideas/thoughts/experiences/teachings/whatevers and they present me with those sorts of inconsistencies. You're no different than anyone else on that score, to me. I strongly encourage you to bear that in mind. If your arguments won't hold up because of the past, and you're not saying 'Yes, but I've changed my mind since then, and here's why', at least to yourself, then are the thoughts and ideas worth keeping? To me, no. But then, I'm typically more thorough in thought than most.
(This post is written when I'm still quite frustrated, angry and annoyed, so it's at least partially a vent.)
First, let me try and explain the situation with people like Banner. I don't mind if people have to take a few times to explain something, if the other person clearly isn't 'getting it'. But, people like Banner tend to repeat the same thing, over and over, and over in conversation, both to continue to hear themselves, and to continue to poll/fish for responses they 'want' to hear. It thus has little to do with communication, and more typically to do with insecurity. While I can listen, I really don't want to devote time to listening to drivel like that. Nor do I feel the need to be repeatedly drilled into for a point that is both minor and long-term inconsequential. My mom did it to me, and you can guess where that's led.
As to the situation with your drug use. I fully understand your reasoning for having done so. My concern stems more toward a high-level concept I read in The Battles of the Autistic Thinker, regarding needing to start with a clean slate. All too often, I've watched you completely scrub entire reasoning sets and experiences solely because of one setback, even a minor one, with the intention of simply having to start all over and explore everything once again. And, here again, I see you doing precisely that. You had accepted that many of your personal habits from before were 'bad'. You had done without drugs for a long while. You had become addicted to Vicoden, and I'd hoped that would have shown you precisely what it is to live at the mercy of a chemical substance. And it honestly seems as though little of the previous experience has 'stuck' with you here. Granted, this could well be a case of statements before having changed utterly, and no corrective information being given on them, which then leads to inconsistency and hypocrisy, which are, to me, very bad. You'd said previously that I made a habit of assuming I know everything and then judging accordingly. I had tried to correct you on that by clarifying that I will base my reactions on what I see and what I'm told. I will ask when things are not clear. But, with you, it seems you want me to ask about each and every action, because you seem to be trying to distance yourself from any sort of long-term status or situation. More and more, it's become 'this me, right now; then has totally changed'. While I can appreciate revelation changing certain aspects, or perhaps even your whole world view, it's definitely not 'normal' to be doing it with the frequency you're doing it. And it makes it nearly impossible to try and keep up with any of your changing moods/patterns/behaviors, which makes it difficult to want to even try.
And, yes, this has led me to be greatly frustrated, annoyed, and fed up with you. I won't lie. I'd told you I would be cleaning/packing/working all day Sunday. That was so you would make the effort to be here during the day when these things were happening. But, you didn't show until after 6. Thus putting off what we were supposed to be doing, from either perspective, until much later in the night. My billing was not done; I was planning on doing it last night, after we'd talked and gotten more cleaning done. But, that wasn't to be. Thus, I had to finish my billing this morning. Hopefully there will be enough time to get it processed for month end, so I can actually recoup some money. But, this goes right back to another reason I really disliked it when, and still do really, you stayed out all night and partied, whether there was alcohol/drugs/sex involved or not. Every time the next day or two was a complete waste. And that pattern held true this time as well. While I did get cleaning and other things done, the 'important' thing didn't get done because I knew I needed to talk to you. You were highest on my priority list, even though I was thoroughly pissed off with you. It certainly didn't make me feel like a priority at all to be hanging around through the day and early evening, waiting for you to show up.
Finally, I am also thoroughly fed up with this attitude you've hit me with three times now. 2 in person, with 2 in LJ. One of these is an overlap whereby you stated it in person, and then restated it precisely in LJ, so I count that as one. I'm getting sick and tired of being directly accused of looking down on you because you have a single thought that I don't sanction. I don't know who or what put that idea into your head, but if that's the way I'm to be treated, then I'll just stop this shit now, for good. You having ideas is just fine. You having your own plan is just fine. I will always take exception, and always point out diametric opposites in anyone who comes to me for ideas/thoughts/experiences/teachings/whatevers and they present me with those sorts of inconsistencies. You're no different than anyone else on that score, to me. I strongly encourage you to bear that in mind. If your arguments won't hold up because of the past, and you're not saying 'Yes, but I've changed my mind since then, and here's why', at least to yourself, then are the thoughts and ideas worth keeping? To me, no. But then, I'm typically more thorough in thought than most.
