Response

[ssurgul]

Some bits removed for slightly shorter entries.

* Third, I'd bring more to the forefront the need for open, honest, and clear communication -- if one of us is irritated or annoyed, I feel that we'd damned well better bring it up when it happens. Not wait for some idle comment to provide an opening. (i.e., today I snapped at Him, when I was having problems concentrating due to the TV, and something really bad happened with the server as I was reinstalling Win2K on it. I apologized about 10 minutes later; however, He said [in a very sullen tone of voice] "it seems like it's happening more and more often lately" [that I'm irritable and snappy]. I do not believe that holding back his irritation about my being snappy is useful, nor do I believe that it's 'open and honest communication' or 'respectful communication' under section 5b

As mentioned previously, I held back irritation and swallowed aggravation because of your current bodily health. In the past, when I have brought things up to you when you're ill in any regard, the response has always been less than favorable, to say the least. With a plan in place, I can normally wait it out to see what changes the alleviation of the problem are to be. However, when pushed too far with the same apologies for the same problems, I will go over the top because enough is enough. Either you're sorry for having fucked up, and you're ready to do something about it, or you're not. If you're not, don't waste my time and energy with meaningless apologies. DO something to change it. If you can't, say so. If you can, then implement consistently. If it's consistently getting better, and it's a work in progress, that's fine. It may not be as fast as I'd like, but it's certainly better than stagnation. If there is no discernable change or improvement, though, you should know by now not to be surprised if I go beyond.

1: 'slave knowingly, willingly, and willfully abdicates his freedoms to Master, to be returned only when, where, and how Master sees fit, for as long as Master sees fit.' I've been taking many liberties, lately, even to the point of spending around $60 to $120 per month on 'frivolous' crud. (Some of which I get for Master, but... well, it's money that should really be going elsewhere.)

(The obvious example of this: "Oh, when there's excess money in the account, I tend to take out about $100 per month to put into PayPal." Master's response: "I'd really rather it go to your bills." I tend to agree... but I have always felt that taking a bit of the money that you have to make it possible to exert an influence on your own surroundings is a good thing. Even bankruptcy courts and welfare don't curb 100% of the "luxuries" -- they understand that chocolate, for example, is often desirable to keep from feeling more depressed than the situation already warrants.)

I don't recall denying you too many luxuries in the past, nor even too many now. I've curbed most impulse buying, particularly in foods (sweets and most other crap), and I've done significantly less in electronics than I would have a year ago. But, what staggers me all the more is that even with the onus of having extremely limited reserves of cash, you persist in purchasing a variety of junk food. That isn't terribly surprising, as it is tasty in most cases. But we still have bags of other candy uneaten. Squandering money for a different chocolate fix than what is available isn't gratifying a craving to ward a binge, it's gratifying a craving with little to no thought to surrounding and circumstance. And, it's not helping you pay your bills. Which in turn is not helping my credit rating get reestablished. Which in turn only makes me that much more irritable. I worked long and hard to get myself out of the shit of Truly Bad Credit. I spent a great deal of effort in ensuring that I'd be ready to do whatever it is that I wanted to do with my remaining years. Yet, you only seem to want to look to the Here and Now for your thoughts. You say that I distress you because I only want a lifespan of another 29 years. I find this complete lack of any sort of long term planning or thoughtfulness to be extraordinarily distressing. Particularly when I'm making decisions that will impact me for years to come based on your word that you will get employment and focus on your priorities. Neither of these has really been happening at all for the past months and it's gotten to the point where I'm really taking stock if I want to pull you out of the ice water anymore.

2: 'slave shall accept all decisions made for him by Master.' Including the "Self-improvement is wonderful, but it doesn't pay the bills" decision. (I feel resentful that He's railroading me back into IT, when it'll take about 3 quarters for me to get a bookkeeping certificate -- and during those 3 quarters, I still am able to pull in $920 every 4 weeks. I understand that He doesn't like the job He's in. I understand that I don't like the job I'll be in if I go back into IT.

Let's tackle this in chunks as the entirety just gets too angering to deal with. I'm 'railroading' you back into IT. Hm. I've spelled out the financial situation to you already. We've gone over what it is you're qualified to do right now. And, as of yet, for everything you're qualified to do, you have one or many reasons why you just can't bear to go back into that line of work. The only thing you want to do now is collect unemployment and go to school. I will freely admit that this is a slightly more viable possibility now that the house has fallen through. However, you are showing a decided lack of interest in sacrificing some comfort and simply coping to get what you want. I can't stand where I'm at. The only major reason I've not moved on is the economic climate. But, even despite that, I'm working within these bounds to alleviate this discomfort. You'll have to get over it. Period. You won't work at Starbucks, which seems pretty much like a fucking cakewalk job compared to dealing with Dumbshit Users as TechSup or Admin. (And let's not forget that Dumbshit User syndrome happens EVERYWHERE. There is NO job you'll get away from them.) It gets you the experience to get a higher check at a bank. It gets you more income than unemployment. Yet, you are totally unwilling to sacrifice some annoyance at idiots to start shoring up your own employability. Amazing. And, as I recall I even gave you the out that you really only needed a part time position in IT, if you can find one. 20 hours of dealing with DU's is too much for you to move to?

Further, let's not overlook one teensy detail. Your $920/mo. isn't. Remember you're going to have a rather juicy tax burden for it at the end of the year. Who's going to cover that expense? And of course, this wonderful income doesn't come with any sort of medical coverage. If I am still with Philips when end of year rolls around, am I then to accept another $300 hit on the payroll just to extend full coverage to you as well?

As to the schooling, what sort of job will you get with a 'certificate'? And, is this to be three quarters of full time schooling? I mentioned earlier, but I'll repeat. The money is gone. I'm only just treading water. If I lose my job, we're fucked. With a capital FUCKED. One month later, and we're selling organs to make the bills go away. I'm still going about my own debt-reduction plan, to try and get me the fuck out of the danger zone. But, all this work I'm doing has always been predicated on either being alone, or having a partner who is pulling in enough money to cover more than just rudimentary expenses, more than just minimum wage. I will not be devoting more money to keeping you out of debt than I have been, and the saved money from my car being paid off is going to cover my cards and debts first.

I'd rather find some means of lowering expenses to implement section 7g ("g. Master shall endeavor to maintain the best home available to himself and, if it is ever decided that slave shall move in with Him, His slave, using as much in the way of resources as necessary to live comfortably.") properly. (I, personally, am thinking that the definition of "comfortably" is too much of a moving target -- in many ways, I feel that my own definition of "comfortable" is not being met here because I don't have enough storage space to clean up the spare room, I don't have enough storage space to clear off the tables, I don't have enough storage space to store the books and such. I understand, accept, and applaud the fact that Master is finally getting shelving to help relieve this situation. I also understand, accept, and haven't thanked Master properly for assembling the second set of shelving and putting it in the dining room. I just... well, wish there was a lot more of it.)

I'm too angry right now to tackle this without too many scathing comments. I'll return to it later, perhaps.

3: I -really- think I need to spell out my needs more clearly. Because I'm pretty sure that I'm not meeting Master's needs or desires. But dammit, trying to talk with Him about sex and such leaves me with more questions than answers, and I've pretty much given up asking Him about it because it just continually frustrates me. I -need- sex much more often than He seems to. However, He -needs- to control my sex life (and how I get it, and how He gives it to me) much more and in different ways than I can even comprehend, much less accept. *sighs* This one needs its own journal entry, for me to delve more into the heart of the matter -- I see the validity of His side of the equation, but that doesn't exactly help much when I feel misused and abused.

(NOTE: To His credit, I -rarely- feel misused or abused. However, getting into the passive role, and then having Him sulk when I try to interject any kind of comment of what I'm feeling, is -not- helping me understand. I am a person, or at least I'm supposed to be becoming one -- and the only way I can deal with things is by understanding them [or at least understanding when I'm supposed to behave a certain way, instead of some other manner]. I fail miserably at the implementation of the 'behaving a certain way in a certain situation' when I don't understand -why-, but I'm identifying that I need to work on this, and would like to solicit help to build the reflexes and habits to do so.)

No, you're not. My needs extend beyond simple fucking, as I thought was clear. But, to the sexual aspects, it has been getting more and more annoying of late. Every time I start to initiate some play, I'm not getting anything that I would consider to be a comment on how you're feeling. I typically get things that are putoffs or complete turnoffs. Yes you are entitled to speak up, if there is a problem. But, I am not going to drop my pants whenever you wish it, solely because you wish it. I have far, far too much stress in my life right now to be as horny and randy as you are. If you're not up to it when I am, that's part of life and you'll have to wait until I am again. Instead of bitching about it and sulking yourself so very much, perhaps you should focus instead on what I've told you DOES relieve my stresses. Perhaps you should do what you agreed to do, and do it on time, rather than playing catch up. Perhaps you should genuinely try and get your priorities in alignment. If my stress is lower, my libido typically rises. But, if you're a source of stress, then you've got a double strike going on against play because I don't play when stressed, and I don't normally find the sources of my stress to be attractive at all when it comes time for anything significant to happen.

4) I -really- need to get over my aversion to ironing. I hate it, I despise it, I just can't figure out -why- I loathe it so much... Master said, so many months ago, that He usually watches TV when He's doing it. Which brings me to another point...

Do I need to reiterate the lack of enduring discomfort to achieve a goal?

5) I -despise- TV, and I don't like it. I have a hard time splitting my concentration away from it whenever it's on, I'm completely useless when it's on, and it's painful for me to watch. I understand that Master wants to be able to have me watch it with Him... and I understand that He uses it as stress relief. The only way I would be able to is if I had absolutely nothing else that required my attention, and could just zone out and be mindlessly entertained. Even then, I'd still have a problem with the sitcoms and other things that showed emotional damage being inflicted. (My Lord, You -really- need to read _Stranger In A Strange Land_...)

Consider the source. TVLand is filled with sitcoms that do that. Yet, each week, even each episode, they almost always make up for the crap they inflict on each other (Karen and Jack being notable exceptions). It mirrors real life. You have difficulty dealing with real life. As evidenced by other conversations we've had, but I'll summarize the critical points, so they're not lost here. You adopt alternate personnas to cope with situations you don't like. You immerse yourself with online interaction to satisfy the social desires you have, but put it in a more readily digested format that you can control much more. You persist in finding new and different people to interact with, overloading you beyond the ability to think of your priorities. You like the older sitcoms because they are so beyond ridiculously staged and set up. No one gets injured save in incredibly trite, transparent, stupid ways. Few have any depth of feeling or character to them, thus ensuring that no sticky-icky explorations happen vicariously. Life isn't like that. Pretending that it is only leads to more depression and gloom when you're constantly thrashed with it. You need to pull your head out, look around, and accept this is the Way Things Are. They're not going to change until Reset, and hiding from them only leaves you that much more open to being completely fucked over by them, time after time after time.

6) Instant orders versus standing orders -- One thing I have a problem with, that I've been aware of in the past but which I became aware of again this evening, is my inability to prioritize standing orders versus instant orders. (Such as Master's instant order to install Windows 2000 on the server machine: it took longer than I intended, and I didn't get the standing order of doing the laundry done because of it.) I -always- prioritize instant orders over standing orders... if I had to guess, I'd guess it was because of the 'prestige/noticeability' factor of doing something that someone's paying immediate attention to. I think that this is one of the main things I need to work on, but I have -no- idea how to even keep it in mind. Suggestions are more than welcome!

As a prime example of a suggestion: It was not my intention that you devote 100% of your attention to the server install. I told you you had all evening to get it done. But, rather than sort, start or whatever the laundry when the code was installing, you sat and read. What's the priority here? All too often, it's like this. An 'instant order' is meant to be done ASAP, yes. Particularly things like 'Get to bed'. (If you're staying up later and later, what sort of job do you think you're going to qualify for? There doesn't seem to be much call for Financial folk that do graveyard.) But, the 'instant order' is much like a standing order. Get it done, get it done with reasonable haste, and accuracy. But, don't let it take over everything you're doing. And, don't let everything else occlude the need to get it done. Overreacting to one with the other is not beneficial.

7) 'g. slave's personal habits shall be remade at any time, in any manner Master desires, for any reason that Master desires.' Failed. Miserably. On many, many counts. (Staying up late, doing chores, getting a job, etc...)

See above.

Note: I need to lay off the chocolate. I was doing fine, emotionally and physically, until I started binging in the past two weeks or so. My fault, I now realize it, and I'm doing something about it.

Note 2: I need to lay off the Internet. At the very least, I need to get myself back out of the habit of logging on when I first wake up, instead doing my chores and anything else that needs to get done.

Not to beat a dead horse, but this is what staggers me. You've already gotten into these habits. What stopped you? Was it the inconvenience of having something more solid and stable in your life? Was it the inconvenience of starting to generate a routine? It's been this way with many of your previous 'gains' as well. What kind of attention are you going to require to ensure this shit stops? You know fully well that I'm not around during the days too often. I'd like to be, yes, but right now I'm not. For the foreseeable future, I likely won't be. You'll have to continue forward with rewards to yourself for doing it correctly during the days. I can't monitor you with any efficiency on this without impacting my work, such as it is, right now. If I were home, then yes, I could hold your paw like a puppy through this (for a time, if that's truly what it will take). But, even though I am regressing you far and wide, this still doesn't account for these remissions, which were happening before I put you on this course (of harder, deeper regression). They need to stop. Not necessarily today or tomorrow, but they need to stop. Constant attention being the only means of getting any sort of change in you is a sign of a deeper problem than simple inertia regarding your own habits. And if you're set on being that insecure, then maybe you are too needy for me. I used to think you were capable of change and that you were going to be able to get beyond, but now I'm not so sure again.

I'll be detailing my own faults on a separate entry Wed or Thurs just so you don't think I'm considering myself blameless here. But, after the past two months, culminating in this weekend and this entry, I need to spell out these things first, before trying to organize anything beyond.