(Originally written 3/30, ) Here we go....
2002-Mar-31, Sunday 02:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ssurgul...., as Rolly loves to say.
slave,
For the past few months, I have grown increasingly stressed, annoyed, and displeased with you. Lately, you seem to have taken it upon yourself to start quoting the contract and where I and you have failed. A contract which has expired and should either be renegotiated or terminated. My feeling is that renegotiation is a fruitless task and that leaves us with termination.
In this case, I feel that any attempt at 5.d will prove less than useful, and I don't feel there would be much value in exploring the 72 hour separation as equals within the same dwelling. I'm willing to try it, but given my feelings now and where I'm at with you I don't think things are salvagable beyond that at this point. Not without major work and rework, of which I'm uncertain that I'm willing to strive for at this stage.
I read your previous journal entry, in which you noted a few of the passage where you were showing deficiencies. Unfortunately, upon reviewing the entire contract, I feel I need to bring the rest into focus now as well. Consequently, I will annotate the previous entry first, and then spell out the rest after that.
1: 'slave knowingly, willingly, and willfully abdicates his freedoms to Master, to be returned only when, where, and how Master sees fit, for as long as Master sees fit.' I've been taking many liberties, lately, even to the point of spending around $60 to $120 per month on 'frivolous' crud. (Some of which I get for Master, but... well, it's money that should really be going elsewhere.)
(Just to make sure the record is clear, this is also a very clear violation of 5.m: m. slave shall provide his financial, domestic, and other resources to Master for Master's upholding of His responsibilities. Now, as you said, you're wanting to redefine the previous regarding comfort and such, but taking money without permission and spending it thusly violates this clause specifically and precisely.)
2: 'slave shall accept all decisions made for him by Master.' Including the "Self-improvement is wonderful, but it doesn't pay the bills" decision. (I feel resentful that He's railroading me back into IT, when it'll take about 3 quarters for me to get a bookkeeping certificate -- and during those 3 quarters, I still am able to pull in $920 every 4 weeks.
(Here, there are other things violated by this, including 5.m as expressed in other discussion - the $920/mo. is A> untaxed so that's not the total available, and B> it will not make up enough to move housing to something in a house where definitely more comfortable surroundings will be provided. However, it also violates 6.o, 6.a, 6.b, and 6.h. Each of these require that you accept without question or hesitation the need to do as ordered. True, you have sought to understand the why's of the requirement, but then you've gone too far, in my opinion, thus violating 6.r as your exercising of your rights has continued to grow even as you profess more love and trust for me, and 6.n as well.)
I fail miserably at the implementation of the 'behaving a certain way in a certain situation' when I don't understand -why-, but I'm identifying that I need to work on this, and would like to solicit help to build the reflexes and habits to do so.
(Understanding is not always necessary when you have the final path in mind, or should have it in mind. If you know that you're striving for D (being a good slave and being a whole person) and you've been doing X, Y, and Z and they have left you without being a whole person, that should suffice for the small things. Saying 'I don't understand the funadamental core reasons why you expect me to behave this way at all!' and then not taking the time to think through that if I dictate a behavior which contradicts the previous actions (and may yet lead to better fulfillment and more for yourself) is both a violation of the trust you claim to have and have signed for for me (further violations of 6.a and 6.b) as well as a violation of the general level of responsibility I expect from you and thus renders you even further disgraceful (violating 6.n).)
7) 'g. slave's personal habits shall be remade at any time, in any manner Master desires, for any reason that Master desires.' Failed. Miserably. On many, many counts. (Staying up late, doing chores, getting a job, etc...)
(This is the primary source of the bulk of contention. As I've said, there's no big secret to doing things: you just Do It. But, you clearly have no intention of doing it, now or in the future. If you did, you would have held to your word (given very frequently) long before now. As you've already seen, and which I've reminded you several times, it takes a very short time to do, and then you're done with your responsibilities. In this case, as your own efforts have shown in the past, it takes an hour a day, if you stay on top of them. But you have not done anything to maintain a solid, reliable pattern. Exploring your past has certainly revealed some interesting twists, but they do not offset the fundamental practice and dedication that is lacking. This is a violation not just of 6.g as stated, but also of 6.m, 6.n, 6.p,
Now, on to my own thoughts and feelings. Since March 18th, the date of the entry in question and the approximate time frame for our last set of 'talks', I have seen fewer results than the last time we 'discussed' things in this fashion. I have seen nowhere near enough work being done to assuage the problems being expressed by me, and by you. I have further seen you inviting friends over, setting up a new diversion of becoming a DJ "so I can figure out what it is they do", MUCKing, playing with the server, and more, all without your chores being done. This violation isn't listed in the contract proper, and was one of the ground rules I laid out and you agreed to - Your chores come first, period. You can spend as much time doing whatever you like as long as your chores get done first. I have seen your attitude remain disrespectful, at best. Failure to abide by these constitutes a violation of 6.b, 6.g, 6.h, 6.k, 6.m, 6.n, and 6.p.
I have seen a letter which demands things from me, things in redress for 'sexually abusing' you, and abusing my rights over you as your Owner. The problem I had with this, most directly, is that what you claim are problems on your side are equally bad on mine. Without couching it in terms of 'The Beast' vs. 'The Intellect', here is my problem. Constantly stating and restating your needs to be used sexually which leads to my rallying the energy to do so when I can which then leads to being rejected in the play. I'm not using enough lube - yet when I add more lube, the damage is done, and there's no further joy to be found. I'm being too rough - yet when I back off and slow up and work more slowly, there's still no joy because you're not in the mood anymore. (This is further complicated by the repeated requests of yours in the past to use you as I wish. Yet, when I do, all you do is balk and resist: a violation of 6.o. And yes, several times in the past I have attempted to use you, sexually and otherwise, as I wish.) How is this a problem you say? You mention hypocrisy in your letter. To me, that is precisely what this is.
The idea of luxury vs. sacrifice still and truly seems to be nowhere to be found within you. You've had it excessively good here, for over a year. All your housing needs taken care of, the bulk of your utilities paid (even though those have doubled some months), my putting my credit on the line for you to allow you to continue driving (both the loan and the insurance), and more than enough time to get pretty much everything done you need to. However, time after time after time, you have squandered this opportunity, taking days and weeks for tasks that should take hours or less. More and more it comes clear to me that you do so very little because "I deserve this! I worked a lot of years in shitty work, and dammit, I deserve to live on Easy St. for a while!" Well, guess what. In this case, I am older and I have been working longer than you have. I've done more time for at least as shitty jobs as you. I deserve a break too. But I don't have a Master waiting in the wings who is going to afford me that, and afford me a great deal of spare time to think through my problems, and come up with solutions. You've had that, for quite some time. Yet, you're only now starting to come to even the most basic grips with what really needs to be done. And now you seem to be balking at that because there is no more peace and quiet time to sit around do very little except precisely what you want, when you want, how you want, and maybe what I want, if there's time. If there is some other reason(s) for this, I would be interested to hear it now as this is the only one that makes any long term, consistent sense, based on your actions prior to now.
If you'd like to really make cutbacks and get to a comfort vs. necessity region, then first thing's first. Sell your car. That's a big debt (over $300/mo. plus gas, registration and repairs) that's not needed. If you're not working, there's no 'real' need to have it - have your friends get you, or take the bus where you need to go. Cutback one, established. Cutback two, no more online purchases of any kind. This includes renewals, gifts and 'treats'. This constitutes an unknown amount of expense just now, but will certainly only help to fill the coffers. Cutback three, no more cell phone for you. Using the land line, while it costs more in long distance, can easily be moderated by simply having your friends call you. Another $40 + extra minutes used saved per month. Before you get too energetic about claiming that comfortable lifestyle isn't being met, and that other cuts are needed to afford what you consider to be a comfortable lifestyle, I suggest that you evaluate more closely what is and isn't already being provided. I have provided these things for you in order to keep you where you were, to help you along and provide spring boards for your needs to be eased on, or met outright. I consider them to be comforts, and I've tried to provide them to you in due course.
Now, on to where I've let you down, based on the contract.
7.c - I haven't been clear enough on what I expect in terms that you will find easy to digest. It has been difficult to establish that baseline, I must say, but in several ways I have some now. Though my time has been limited of late for reasons that are outside the relationship, it is still the case that I have not made any extra effort to get these things recommunicated repeatedly to ensure you grasp it.
7.e - I have not always been mindful that you have not been keeping to the anal work as you did previously. I should have inquired prior to simply assuming, particularly of late. Though, I will also state that lately I've been of the mindset that if someone asks for something, particularly like that, and they know already what I'm wanting to do, that they are prepared to accept those actions, and have taken steps to accomodate those as needed. An assumption on my part that has led to a lot of strain. Further, I do have expectations that you will utilize the isolation time given each day you're not in class and not out running errands to think through some of the words/lessons I've already given you. As you've relayed very recently, this is not the case. Again, a faulty assumption on my part.
7.h - I have not called a free time session once in the year we've been together. Perhaps that would have assisted you with more healing after the use that was more difficult to bear. As I have striven to provide what I thought was a more nurturing and expansive environment for you, I didn't ever consider that you would have issues with healing up afterward in the excess freedoms you were taking advantage of in the daytime and weekends.
Where do we go from here?
I'm not really sure yet. I know that my trust in you is pretty much in tatters. And this time, I don't see any magical thing you can do, or say, that's going to be rebuilding it easily or quickly. Further, based on my job uncertainty, and my lack of desire for it anyway, I'm getting closer and closer to simply tossing up my hands and departing the area completely. There's no Notes work here, and I don't qualify for any of the Java jobs that would pay enough to consider. Moving two is more expensive than one, and that's expenses I can't cover at all right now. I can't cover my own moving just yet, so there's even less opportunity for me to cover yours. Thus, if there is no way to get past this hurdle with you, and while I'm open to suggestions I just can't see one right now (though that could also be because of my general anger toward you right now, and my overall stress and frustration compounded by work), I will require you to provide me with a short term plan on how you'll not be damaging my credit rating further. To such end, I'll need to get from you how you intend to make the car, insurance, and credit card payments. As it is, your unemployment is about 75%+ gone between the car and the taxes you should be withholding. This, obviously, doesn't cover housing at all. If there is no solution to it, then I will expect the car title be signed to me, or an agreement be signed that I am now sole proprietor and owner of it in the event that the system can't change until the car is paid for. From there, it will be sold, and the loan repaid in that fashion. The credit card is also in question. Right now it stands at $4700 of your debt. That money will need to be migrated to an account solely in your name, or some other form of compensation established for me to repay the debt myself.
If there are other alternatives, I'd like to hear them, but these are the best I can come up with right now.
slave,
For the past few months, I have grown increasingly stressed, annoyed, and displeased with you. Lately, you seem to have taken it upon yourself to start quoting the contract and where I and you have failed. A contract which has expired and should either be renegotiated or terminated. My feeling is that renegotiation is a fruitless task and that leaves us with termination.
In this case, I feel that any attempt at 5.d will prove less than useful, and I don't feel there would be much value in exploring the 72 hour separation as equals within the same dwelling. I'm willing to try it, but given my feelings now and where I'm at with you I don't think things are salvagable beyond that at this point. Not without major work and rework, of which I'm uncertain that I'm willing to strive for at this stage.
I read your previous journal entry, in which you noted a few of the passage where you were showing deficiencies. Unfortunately, upon reviewing the entire contract, I feel I need to bring the rest into focus now as well. Consequently, I will annotate the previous entry first, and then spell out the rest after that.
1: 'slave knowingly, willingly, and willfully abdicates his freedoms to Master, to be returned only when, where, and how Master sees fit, for as long as Master sees fit.' I've been taking many liberties, lately, even to the point of spending around $60 to $120 per month on 'frivolous' crud. (Some of which I get for Master, but... well, it's money that should really be going elsewhere.)
(Just to make sure the record is clear, this is also a very clear violation of 5.m: m. slave shall provide his financial, domestic, and other resources to Master for Master's upholding of His responsibilities. Now, as you said, you're wanting to redefine the previous regarding comfort and such, but taking money without permission and spending it thusly violates this clause specifically and precisely.)
2: 'slave shall accept all decisions made for him by Master.' Including the "Self-improvement is wonderful, but it doesn't pay the bills" decision. (I feel resentful that He's railroading me back into IT, when it'll take about 3 quarters for me to get a bookkeeping certificate -- and during those 3 quarters, I still am able to pull in $920 every 4 weeks.
(Here, there are other things violated by this, including 5.m as expressed in other discussion - the $920/mo. is A> untaxed so that's not the total available, and B> it will not make up enough to move housing to something in a house where definitely more comfortable surroundings will be provided. However, it also violates 6.o, 6.a, 6.b, and 6.h. Each of these require that you accept without question or hesitation the need to do as ordered. True, you have sought to understand the why's of the requirement, but then you've gone too far, in my opinion, thus violating 6.r as your exercising of your rights has continued to grow even as you profess more love and trust for me, and 6.n as well.)
I fail miserably at the implementation of the 'behaving a certain way in a certain situation' when I don't understand -why-, but I'm identifying that I need to work on this, and would like to solicit help to build the reflexes and habits to do so.
(Understanding is not always necessary when you have the final path in mind, or should have it in mind. If you know that you're striving for D (being a good slave and being a whole person) and you've been doing X, Y, and Z and they have left you without being a whole person, that should suffice for the small things. Saying 'I don't understand the funadamental core reasons why you expect me to behave this way at all!' and then not taking the time to think through that if I dictate a behavior which contradicts the previous actions (and may yet lead to better fulfillment and more for yourself) is both a violation of the trust you claim to have and have signed for for me (further violations of 6.a and 6.b) as well as a violation of the general level of responsibility I expect from you and thus renders you even further disgraceful (violating 6.n).)
7) 'g. slave's personal habits shall be remade at any time, in any manner Master desires, for any reason that Master desires.' Failed. Miserably. On many, many counts. (Staying up late, doing chores, getting a job, etc...)
(This is the primary source of the bulk of contention. As I've said, there's no big secret to doing things: you just Do It. But, you clearly have no intention of doing it, now or in the future. If you did, you would have held to your word (given very frequently) long before now. As you've already seen, and which I've reminded you several times, it takes a very short time to do, and then you're done with your responsibilities. In this case, as your own efforts have shown in the past, it takes an hour a day, if you stay on top of them. But you have not done anything to maintain a solid, reliable pattern. Exploring your past has certainly revealed some interesting twists, but they do not offset the fundamental practice and dedication that is lacking. This is a violation not just of 6.g as stated, but also of 6.m, 6.n, 6.p,
Now, on to my own thoughts and feelings. Since March 18th, the date of the entry in question and the approximate time frame for our last set of 'talks', I have seen fewer results than the last time we 'discussed' things in this fashion. I have seen nowhere near enough work being done to assuage the problems being expressed by me, and by you. I have further seen you inviting friends over, setting up a new diversion of becoming a DJ "so I can figure out what it is they do", MUCKing, playing with the server, and more, all without your chores being done. This violation isn't listed in the contract proper, and was one of the ground rules I laid out and you agreed to - Your chores come first, period. You can spend as much time doing whatever you like as long as your chores get done first. I have seen your attitude remain disrespectful, at best. Failure to abide by these constitutes a violation of 6.b, 6.g, 6.h, 6.k, 6.m, 6.n, and 6.p.
I have seen a letter which demands things from me, things in redress for 'sexually abusing' you, and abusing my rights over you as your Owner. The problem I had with this, most directly, is that what you claim are problems on your side are equally bad on mine. Without couching it in terms of 'The Beast' vs. 'The Intellect', here is my problem. Constantly stating and restating your needs to be used sexually which leads to my rallying the energy to do so when I can which then leads to being rejected in the play. I'm not using enough lube - yet when I add more lube, the damage is done, and there's no further joy to be found. I'm being too rough - yet when I back off and slow up and work more slowly, there's still no joy because you're not in the mood anymore. (This is further complicated by the repeated requests of yours in the past to use you as I wish. Yet, when I do, all you do is balk and resist: a violation of 6.o. And yes, several times in the past I have attempted to use you, sexually and otherwise, as I wish.) How is this a problem you say? You mention hypocrisy in your letter. To me, that is precisely what this is.
The idea of luxury vs. sacrifice still and truly seems to be nowhere to be found within you. You've had it excessively good here, for over a year. All your housing needs taken care of, the bulk of your utilities paid (even though those have doubled some months), my putting my credit on the line for you to allow you to continue driving (both the loan and the insurance), and more than enough time to get pretty much everything done you need to. However, time after time after time, you have squandered this opportunity, taking days and weeks for tasks that should take hours or less. More and more it comes clear to me that you do so very little because "I deserve this! I worked a lot of years in shitty work, and dammit, I deserve to live on Easy St. for a while!" Well, guess what. In this case, I am older and I have been working longer than you have. I've done more time for at least as shitty jobs as you. I deserve a break too. But I don't have a Master waiting in the wings who is going to afford me that, and afford me a great deal of spare time to think through my problems, and come up with solutions. You've had that, for quite some time. Yet, you're only now starting to come to even the most basic grips with what really needs to be done. And now you seem to be balking at that because there is no more peace and quiet time to sit around do very little except precisely what you want, when you want, how you want, and maybe what I want, if there's time. If there is some other reason(s) for this, I would be interested to hear it now as this is the only one that makes any long term, consistent sense, based on your actions prior to now.
If you'd like to really make cutbacks and get to a comfort vs. necessity region, then first thing's first. Sell your car. That's a big debt (over $300/mo. plus gas, registration and repairs) that's not needed. If you're not working, there's no 'real' need to have it - have your friends get you, or take the bus where you need to go. Cutback one, established. Cutback two, no more online purchases of any kind. This includes renewals, gifts and 'treats'. This constitutes an unknown amount of expense just now, but will certainly only help to fill the coffers. Cutback three, no more cell phone for you. Using the land line, while it costs more in long distance, can easily be moderated by simply having your friends call you. Another $40 + extra minutes used saved per month. Before you get too energetic about claiming that comfortable lifestyle isn't being met, and that other cuts are needed to afford what you consider to be a comfortable lifestyle, I suggest that you evaluate more closely what is and isn't already being provided. I have provided these things for you in order to keep you where you were, to help you along and provide spring boards for your needs to be eased on, or met outright. I consider them to be comforts, and I've tried to provide them to you in due course.
Now, on to where I've let you down, based on the contract.
7.c - I haven't been clear enough on what I expect in terms that you will find easy to digest. It has been difficult to establish that baseline, I must say, but in several ways I have some now. Though my time has been limited of late for reasons that are outside the relationship, it is still the case that I have not made any extra effort to get these things recommunicated repeatedly to ensure you grasp it.
7.e - I have not always been mindful that you have not been keeping to the anal work as you did previously. I should have inquired prior to simply assuming, particularly of late. Though, I will also state that lately I've been of the mindset that if someone asks for something, particularly like that, and they know already what I'm wanting to do, that they are prepared to accept those actions, and have taken steps to accomodate those as needed. An assumption on my part that has led to a lot of strain. Further, I do have expectations that you will utilize the isolation time given each day you're not in class and not out running errands to think through some of the words/lessons I've already given you. As you've relayed very recently, this is not the case. Again, a faulty assumption on my part.
7.h - I have not called a free time session once in the year we've been together. Perhaps that would have assisted you with more healing after the use that was more difficult to bear. As I have striven to provide what I thought was a more nurturing and expansive environment for you, I didn't ever consider that you would have issues with healing up afterward in the excess freedoms you were taking advantage of in the daytime and weekends.
Where do we go from here?
I'm not really sure yet. I know that my trust in you is pretty much in tatters. And this time, I don't see any magical thing you can do, or say, that's going to be rebuilding it easily or quickly. Further, based on my job uncertainty, and my lack of desire for it anyway, I'm getting closer and closer to simply tossing up my hands and departing the area completely. There's no Notes work here, and I don't qualify for any of the Java jobs that would pay enough to consider. Moving two is more expensive than one, and that's expenses I can't cover at all right now. I can't cover my own moving just yet, so there's even less opportunity for me to cover yours. Thus, if there is no way to get past this hurdle with you, and while I'm open to suggestions I just can't see one right now (though that could also be because of my general anger toward you right now, and my overall stress and frustration compounded by work), I will require you to provide me with a short term plan on how you'll not be damaging my credit rating further. To such end, I'll need to get from you how you intend to make the car, insurance, and credit card payments. As it is, your unemployment is about 75%+ gone between the car and the taxes you should be withholding. This, obviously, doesn't cover housing at all. If there is no solution to it, then I will expect the car title be signed to me, or an agreement be signed that I am now sole proprietor and owner of it in the event that the system can't change until the car is paid for. From there, it will be sold, and the loan repaid in that fashion. The credit card is also in question. Right now it stands at $4700 of your debt. That money will need to be migrated to an account solely in your name, or some other form of compensation established for me to repay the debt myself.
If there are other alternatives, I'd like to hear them, but these are the best I can come up with right now.