A week and a day...
2002-May-03, Friday 04:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ssurgulAnd I'm still here. It's funny. I miss him terribly. There is, even now, a large hole inside me. But, it's not painful anymore. Looking back, it really hasn't been 'painful' since Sunday.
After 14 months, you'd think that would make me a heartless, cold, unfeeling fuckhead. Well, all those nice compliments aside, I don't feel hurt any more.
Thinking it through, I came to realize it's got to do with the conversations we had on and after Thursday night. Tearful, gut-wrenching conversations they were, and they only amplified my grief at needing to lose him that much more. But, in reality, they not only helped me accept the grief as necessary and defuse any anger that was still present and was building, but they also reassured me tremendously.
On the one hand, yes, he completely fucked around and up the opportunity to start an entirely new life, and leave his past behind, with a relatively easy framework and a loving Master to guide him through it. But, at the end, he showed that (at least in speech; action is always a different matter of course) he understands where he fucked up, and part of the reasons why. Where he tossed away certain opportunities that many, many others would kill for, how he pissed away the singular chance he had because of his fears and his own blindness.
Reassured me endlessly. Do I still miss him? Absolutely. Do I still want him by my side? Now more than ever. Would I take him back now? Not likely. Not until he made it abundantly clear that he passed the actual gate I was trying to show him and help/force him through (depending on timing or his resistance level). If he's done that, and he offers himself to me, I ..... I honestly don't know what I'd do. But, he'd be a real person finally, or at least starting to be one. My investment would be returned to me with so much interest that I could potentially be set for life.
And if not, and he does still follow through with his stated course of action, and he becomes this real person I want for him to become, and the one I see inside him..... Guess what. I still win. My investment is still paid off. And, I can be very happy with that alone.
Kyle, take care of yourself. Please hold your course, no matter how hard it becomes. The hardest part is still looming, but you're ready. You've been ready for some time. Don't be afraid.
After 14 months, you'd think that would make me a heartless, cold, unfeeling fuckhead. Well, all those nice compliments aside, I don't feel hurt any more.
Thinking it through, I came to realize it's got to do with the conversations we had on and after Thursday night. Tearful, gut-wrenching conversations they were, and they only amplified my grief at needing to lose him that much more. But, in reality, they not only helped me accept the grief as necessary and defuse any anger that was still present and was building, but they also reassured me tremendously.
On the one hand, yes, he completely fucked around and up the opportunity to start an entirely new life, and leave his past behind, with a relatively easy framework and a loving Master to guide him through it. But, at the end, he showed that (at least in speech; action is always a different matter of course) he understands where he fucked up, and part of the reasons why. Where he tossed away certain opportunities that many, many others would kill for, how he pissed away the singular chance he had because of his fears and his own blindness.
Reassured me endlessly. Do I still miss him? Absolutely. Do I still want him by my side? Now more than ever. Would I take him back now? Not likely. Not until he made it abundantly clear that he passed the actual gate I was trying to show him and help/force him through (depending on timing or his resistance level). If he's done that, and he offers himself to me, I ..... I honestly don't know what I'd do. But, he'd be a real person finally, or at least starting to be one. My investment would be returned to me with so much interest that I could potentially be set for life.
And if not, and he does still follow through with his stated course of action, and he becomes this real person I want for him to become, and the one I see inside him..... Guess what. I still win. My investment is still paid off. And, I can be very happy with that alone.
Kyle, take care of yourself. Please hold your course, no matter how hard it becomes. The hardest part is still looming, but you're ready. You've been ready for some time. Don't be afraid.
