A week and a day...

[ssurgul]

And I'm still here. It's funny. I miss him terribly. There is, even now, a large hole inside me. But, it's not painful anymore. Looking back, it really hasn't been 'painful' since Sunday.

After 14 months, you'd think that would make me a heartless, cold, unfeeling fuckhead. Well, all those nice compliments aside, I don't feel hurt any more.

Thinking it through, I came to realize it's got to do with the conversations we had on and after Thursday night. Tearful, gut-wrenching conversations they were, and they only amplified my grief at needing to lose him that much more. But, in reality, they not only helped me accept the grief as necessary and defuse any anger that was still present and was building, but they also reassured me tremendously.

On the one hand, yes, he completely fucked around and up the opportunity to start an entirely new life, and leave his past behind, with a relatively easy framework and a loving Master to guide him through it. But, at the end, he showed that (at least in speech; action is always a different matter of course) he understands where he fucked up, and part of the reasons why. Where he tossed away certain opportunities that many, many others would kill for, how he pissed away the singular chance he had because of his fears and his own blindness.

Reassured me endlessly. Do I still miss him? Absolutely. Do I still want him by my side? Now more than ever. Would I take him back now? Not likely. Not until he made it abundantly clear that he passed the actual gate I was trying to show him and help/force him through (depending on timing or his resistance level). If he's done that, and he offers himself to me, I ..... I honestly don't know what I'd do. But, he'd be a real person finally, or at least starting to be one. My investment would be returned to me with so much interest that I could potentially be set for life.

And if not, and he does still follow through with his stated course of action, and he becomes this real person I want for him to become, and the one I see inside him..... Guess what. I still win. My investment is still paid off. And, I can be very happy with that alone.

Kyle, take care of yourself. Please hold your course, no matter how hard it becomes. The hardest part is still looming, but you're ready. You've been ready for some time. Don't be afraid.

Comments

More than anything else, Marcus...

[aerowolf.livejournal.com]

More than anything else, Marcus, you should know that I don't do things so that other people can win. And usually, out of spite, I will force them to lose their own victory conditions, even if (and no matter how badly) I'm hurt in the process. Thus, it's a -really- bad thing to say "I win", and "I still win."

But you know what? You sent me away. You forfeited "winning" or "losing" -- all you can hope to accomplish is an "assist" with me (to use a basketball or hockey term). The points are mine, the accomplishment is mine -- I will win despite your belief in the victory condition.

I will not continue to damage myself because of your belief in the victory condition. I -will- become who I want to be. I explained to you why I did what I did -- and I explained to you why I couldn't be your slave. For me to continue living as your slave would have been a lie -- I couldn't become a person while being your slave, and I couldn't be a slave while becoming a person.

I don't know if I'm ever going to offer/request to be anyone's slave again. I'm putting that question on the back burner, until I understand what it is that I need to find for myself.

In the meantime, though, you still "win" -- I'm remembering the things you taught me, and I'm applying them to keep from falling -too- deeply into despair.

And Marcus? A word of advice -- don't try to force your method of learning on someone whose brain is wired for learning much differently than yours. There are two things that I have learned and can do with much less difficulty than you -- I understand the base concept of accounting, and I can spew MUF code of long strings of primitives -- reverse polish notation, and I've always maintained that anyone who can program in RPN is necessarily insane in the societal definition. That's why I had and have to look at some things backwards from you, and try to "reverse engineer" them -- if I have a problem understanding a concept forwards, sometimes I can understand it backwards.

Makes things -really- interesting.

Re: More than anything else, Marcus...

[ssurgul.livejournal.com]

Kyle, the thing to understand here is that (as I explained both at the beginning of the relationship and at the end of it) I would only consider the year+ we were together to have been a waste of my time is if you become a real person. I'm ascribing my 'victory condition' to you becoming a real person because then, at least, there will be someone else who I will want to spend time with. Regardless of whether you return as my slave or not. If you'll recall from the annals of our earliest discussions, that was one of the only things I considered to be worthwhile that the world could truly offer -- all else is smoke and illusion.

We agreed you needed to go, for the same reasons. You could not do any meaningful explorations of yourself while you were my slave any longer, for various reasons. Does this mean that I won't still care about you? I do hope not. Does this mean that I won't sit by and watch to see what happens? I do hope not. Following your team analogy, I would more consider myself to be a coach from a 'former team' for you, while you have now switched teams. I can easily consider myself to have won with you, should you follow those teachings, in your own way. If you take this post as a reason to suddenly flush everything and turn away, solely to spite me, and damage yourself once again, then I can hardly stop you from doing so. It's your life, and they're your choices. And all I can say to it is: Whatever. Know that I wish you the best as you move forward with this, but ultimately the choice is yours and yours alone.