Vision and sight
2002-Apr-24, Wednesday 11:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ssurgulKyle or whatever your name ends up being,
I've decided that it's really not worth keeping a relationship up any longer.
No matter which way I've turned it around in my head, I can see nothing which indicates, to me, a reason there should be any expectation of different action or outcome than what has happened to now. I spoke with CJ tonight, out of the blue. And I found that you'd missed the appointment with her to get a cover letter written for the jobs on campus. Really, it only confirmed what I'd been suspecting all along.
She may or may not be aware what is happening between us; I can't say as I would really talk to her about these sorts of things. You may or may not, I don't know. However, it did raise a huge red flag. I don't see any way to lower that flag any longer either.
Granted, this is obviously not the only problem here. But, it was the thing that put everything into sharpest focus for me. I started going over why it annoyed me. And, of course, I returned to my argument of using me as a Money Tree while doing pretty much nothing that you've said you will do which isn't an immediate pleasure-process for you. And, that coupled with the loss of unemployment means that yet again I'll be doing all the bills all the time. Even before the loss of the unemployment happened, you supposedly committed to yourself and to me (yes, this too was at my prompting) to get it done by last Friday. And yet it remains apparently undone. I say apparently because there may be circumstances outside my knowledge, but as of now, there seems to be no further work being done toward this end.
Maybe I was too quick to offer you ways out and that set a bad precedent from the start. But, as I mentioned before, I can not be with someone who is in that sort of debt and situation. And, if your ethics were really as strong as you claimed, and you were doing anything more than lip service to wanting to repay the debts actually owed, then I should honestly have thought that any work would be preferrable. But, again, there was no action save at my constant supervision. Supervision which was scorned and ridiculed as being trite, useless, misleading and filled with platitudes. Supervision which, to all my observation, reverts almost at once to 'How can I use the most literal translation of what's been said to justify doing nothing?' Do I really feel this is how you've been, consciously? No. Otherwise, I'd have done this long, long before now. But, deeper down, yes, I do believe you have this reasoning going on. It's really about the only thing that makes any sense after this length of time.
And, as to my words being platitudes now, well, it's interesting to me that the more frequently these same things keep coming up and the more I keep telling you to do the same things to resolve them, the more you come up with deeper entrenched reasons not to.
It seems extremely clear to me at this point that there is no point in going forward. I wanted to believe otherwise for a while, but the facts speak for themselves. I'll be talking to you prior to the final resolution unless you've arrived at similar yourself, to ensure there's not some glaring issue/reason that will really change my perceptions. That's why I'm writing it here, now, and putting it as private only for the time being. This way, there's no opportunity to see this as a 'snap decision', nor as an 'arbitrary goal' either for you or me. Do I honestly think there is such an issue/reason? No, I can't say that I do. But, I will at least give the possibility a shot before closing a year of my time like this.
Now, on to the less savory details -- Credit and compensation.
Having seen your track record, I would prefer it if there were some sort of deposit I could tap to ensure that my credit doesn't suffer because of your fears to do what should have been done some time ago. But there's not. The only major asset you have currently is your car. And, frankly, that's nowhere near the level of return as what the loan on it is for. However, the fact remains that there is an outstanding debt of:
$7700 for the car
$5700 for the card
$1200 (or so) for the dental work
Obviously this is only the outstanding debt now, debt which I bear only small association to ($640 or so on the card for my own RC and Crown). This does not reflect any sort of compensation for the free room and board, nor clothing, nor extra expenses (cell (which is admittedly questionable), car insurance and other maintenance, vacation in Vegas, etc.) While it would be good to get some compensation for these things, I don't really expect I'll see anything. But, the outstanding debt is something else entirely. They have monthly payments which I don't see how you'll be making, not to mention residual maintenance costs. And while I think it may be difficult to be without a car in this area, I find it untenable to consider having a repossession or collection default counting against me based on your own fears of employment and recalcitrance to get the job done. I expect some sort of reasonable plan on how you'll be making these payments, and what sorts of compensation is available to me to both staunch any loss of credit due to lack of employment. If this entails you obtaining loans to remove the debt from my record and renew it solely in your own, so be it. If this fails, I would expect that the car be signed over to me completely such that it, at least, can be liquidated to remove that debt from my record and that monthly payments be made in accordance with the credit card repayment terms.
I can hear you now saying that these were all MY choices in doing so and why should you be held accountable to them when your choices are vastly different. I acted honorably to get you out of debt, reduce your cycle times and reduce your interest payments. I acted honorably, with the intention of consolidating the debts long term and getting you on par with myself credit-wise to ensure that a house could be easily, mutually attained in the future. I expect you to act equally honorably and remove this burden with all expedience.
I've decided that it's really not worth keeping a relationship up any longer.
No matter which way I've turned it around in my head, I can see nothing which indicates, to me, a reason there should be any expectation of different action or outcome than what has happened to now. I spoke with CJ tonight, out of the blue. And I found that you'd missed the appointment with her to get a cover letter written for the jobs on campus. Really, it only confirmed what I'd been suspecting all along.
She may or may not be aware what is happening between us; I can't say as I would really talk to her about these sorts of things. You may or may not, I don't know. However, it did raise a huge red flag. I don't see any way to lower that flag any longer either.
Granted, this is obviously not the only problem here. But, it was the thing that put everything into sharpest focus for me. I started going over why it annoyed me. And, of course, I returned to my argument of using me as a Money Tree while doing pretty much nothing that you've said you will do which isn't an immediate pleasure-process for you. And, that coupled with the loss of unemployment means that yet again I'll be doing all the bills all the time. Even before the loss of the unemployment happened, you supposedly committed to yourself and to me (yes, this too was at my prompting) to get it done by last Friday. And yet it remains apparently undone. I say apparently because there may be circumstances outside my knowledge, but as of now, there seems to be no further work being done toward this end.
Maybe I was too quick to offer you ways out and that set a bad precedent from the start. But, as I mentioned before, I can not be with someone who is in that sort of debt and situation. And, if your ethics were really as strong as you claimed, and you were doing anything more than lip service to wanting to repay the debts actually owed, then I should honestly have thought that any work would be preferrable. But, again, there was no action save at my constant supervision. Supervision which was scorned and ridiculed as being trite, useless, misleading and filled with platitudes. Supervision which, to all my observation, reverts almost at once to 'How can I use the most literal translation of what's been said to justify doing nothing?' Do I really feel this is how you've been, consciously? No. Otherwise, I'd have done this long, long before now. But, deeper down, yes, I do believe you have this reasoning going on. It's really about the only thing that makes any sense after this length of time.
And, as to my words being platitudes now, well, it's interesting to me that the more frequently these same things keep coming up and the more I keep telling you to do the same things to resolve them, the more you come up with deeper entrenched reasons not to.
It seems extremely clear to me at this point that there is no point in going forward. I wanted to believe otherwise for a while, but the facts speak for themselves. I'll be talking to you prior to the final resolution unless you've arrived at similar yourself, to ensure there's not some glaring issue/reason that will really change my perceptions. That's why I'm writing it here, now, and putting it as private only for the time being. This way, there's no opportunity to see this as a 'snap decision', nor as an 'arbitrary goal' either for you or me. Do I honestly think there is such an issue/reason? No, I can't say that I do. But, I will at least give the possibility a shot before closing a year of my time like this.
Now, on to the less savory details -- Credit and compensation.
Having seen your track record, I would prefer it if there were some sort of deposit I could tap to ensure that my credit doesn't suffer because of your fears to do what should have been done some time ago. But there's not. The only major asset you have currently is your car. And, frankly, that's nowhere near the level of return as what the loan on it is for. However, the fact remains that there is an outstanding debt of:
$7700 for the car
$5700 for the card
$1200 (or so) for the dental work
Obviously this is only the outstanding debt now, debt which I bear only small association to ($640 or so on the card for my own RC and Crown). This does not reflect any sort of compensation for the free room and board, nor clothing, nor extra expenses (cell (which is admittedly questionable), car insurance and other maintenance, vacation in Vegas, etc.) While it would be good to get some compensation for these things, I don't really expect I'll see anything. But, the outstanding debt is something else entirely. They have monthly payments which I don't see how you'll be making, not to mention residual maintenance costs. And while I think it may be difficult to be without a car in this area, I find it untenable to consider having a repossession or collection default counting against me based on your own fears of employment and recalcitrance to get the job done. I expect some sort of reasonable plan on how you'll be making these payments, and what sorts of compensation is available to me to both staunch any loss of credit due to lack of employment. If this entails you obtaining loans to remove the debt from my record and renew it solely in your own, so be it. If this fails, I would expect that the car be signed over to me completely such that it, at least, can be liquidated to remove that debt from my record and that monthly payments be made in accordance with the credit card repayment terms.
I can hear you now saying that these were all MY choices in doing so and why should you be held accountable to them when your choices are vastly different. I acted honorably to get you out of debt, reduce your cycle times and reduce your interest payments. I acted honorably, with the intention of consolidating the debts long term and getting you on par with myself credit-wise to ensure that a house could be easily, mutually attained in the future. I expect you to act equally honorably and remove this burden with all expedience.
