Well, now....
2002-May-05, Sunday 08:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ssurgulKyle,
It's interesting to me. I don't want this to become a flame war here, but this is another of a few entries now that I would have let slide and taken several 'black eyes' for from you.
Inconsistency is incredibly bad to my way of thinking. In many, many ways, for many, many things you were and are inconsistent. Even this weekend, you were inconsistent in your behaviors.
But truth be told, I did itemize the things I felt I failed on. I showed you that Journal entry. I still have it here, but I've rendered it private. I haven't published it because it's another that was written in anger based on arguments that had happened previously and it listed a great many things you had failed on as well. If you'd like, I'll happily publish it out now, though it would really solve very little at this point.
As to the other things listed that I didn't follow through on, I've already told you why they were the way they were. Simplified answer: all along you've tried to find weasel holes through the other things written so as to not actually do what was written and required. You were always far more interested in finding reasons not to do something because of specific verbage, or specific methods of phrasing, rather than trying to understand the whole and take it as something slightly less literal than that.
Even with something as small as landing a job (a task which, granted, was not written down) suddenly became my fault because the longer you screwed around, the more exasperated I got with your attitude, until in the end I was just pushing you to get any job, to help offset the bills. But, this of course, was rendered into my problem because 'You sent me mixed messages, so I didn't know what to do.' Even though these 'mixed signals' were sent to you in a progression of time and wage level, progressively downward. (Meaning, I started with a part time IT job, and finally ended with getting even a minimum wage or Starbucks situation.) And, even when jobs were all but dropped in your lap, you still refused to take any action toward them. This is definitely indicative of your pattern as a whole.
These things all kept returning to the things you kept bringing up about your 'problems'. You were 'afraid' to succeed. You were afraid to exert your will over anything. You were impotent (not sexually, but power-wise) because you weren't getting fucked enough. You were terrified of dealing with your past in any way, even realizing that this was causing you to be failing on so many levels. Yes. I denied you the coping mechanisms of your past. Why? Because those had been based on who you were, not who you were becoming. Because they were wonderful traps to insulate yourself from any sort of responsibility. (A fact you even agreed with in one of the final actual conversations we had together as we were breaking up.) Yes. I told you to cope without them. Why? To force you to reevaluate yourself in your 'spare time' of which you had tremendous amounts. To make you start to truly let yourself be someone without masks. To challenge you into getting along with your life, and actually starting to grow into being a person.
So far, I've seen you taking a whole lot of liberties with memory here and there. Things being omitted, conversations being omitted as well. While I understand that this is only too common (we tend to recall what caused the greatest reaction in us), it is also lending you a more and more distant viewpoint. Lets not forget that we both put up with a whole lot of shit from the other. That's what love typically makes us do. I'm making this a private entry for now because I'm not sure who it is that has access to the entry you created. If it's just me, fine. If it's not, then I'll likely remove these last lines and simply make this a reply to your entry. I love you dearly, even now, and would answer questions that you might want to pose (I'm really unsure how maintaining this line in the sand is going to help you, or even unsure why you've drawn this line now). But, I will also not continue to sit back and let you 'analyze' things this way when there were many other words that aren't being brought up.
And, to be honest, with your new insights from 'afar', I'm keen to find out exactly what my problems are that will prevent me from attaining my goals.
It's interesting to me. I don't want this to become a flame war here, but this is another of a few entries now that I would have let slide and taken several 'black eyes' for from you.
Inconsistency is incredibly bad to my way of thinking. In many, many ways, for many, many things you were and are inconsistent. Even this weekend, you were inconsistent in your behaviors.
But truth be told, I did itemize the things I felt I failed on. I showed you that Journal entry. I still have it here, but I've rendered it private. I haven't published it because it's another that was written in anger based on arguments that had happened previously and it listed a great many things you had failed on as well. If you'd like, I'll happily publish it out now, though it would really solve very little at this point.
As to the other things listed that I didn't follow through on, I've already told you why they were the way they were. Simplified answer: all along you've tried to find weasel holes through the other things written so as to not actually do what was written and required. You were always far more interested in finding reasons not to do something because of specific verbage, or specific methods of phrasing, rather than trying to understand the whole and take it as something slightly less literal than that.
Even with something as small as landing a job (a task which, granted, was not written down) suddenly became my fault because the longer you screwed around, the more exasperated I got with your attitude, until in the end I was just pushing you to get any job, to help offset the bills. But, this of course, was rendered into my problem because 'You sent me mixed messages, so I didn't know what to do.' Even though these 'mixed signals' were sent to you in a progression of time and wage level, progressively downward. (Meaning, I started with a part time IT job, and finally ended with getting even a minimum wage or Starbucks situation.) And, even when jobs were all but dropped in your lap, you still refused to take any action toward them. This is definitely indicative of your pattern as a whole.
These things all kept returning to the things you kept bringing up about your 'problems'. You were 'afraid' to succeed. You were afraid to exert your will over anything. You were impotent (not sexually, but power-wise) because you weren't getting fucked enough. You were terrified of dealing with your past in any way, even realizing that this was causing you to be failing on so many levels. Yes. I denied you the coping mechanisms of your past. Why? Because those had been based on who you were, not who you were becoming. Because they were wonderful traps to insulate yourself from any sort of responsibility. (A fact you even agreed with in one of the final actual conversations we had together as we were breaking up.) Yes. I told you to cope without them. Why? To force you to reevaluate yourself in your 'spare time' of which you had tremendous amounts. To make you start to truly let yourself be someone without masks. To challenge you into getting along with your life, and actually starting to grow into being a person.
So far, I've seen you taking a whole lot of liberties with memory here and there. Things being omitted, conversations being omitted as well. While I understand that this is only too common (we tend to recall what caused the greatest reaction in us), it is also lending you a more and more distant viewpoint. Lets not forget that we both put up with a whole lot of shit from the other. That's what love typically makes us do. I'm making this a private entry for now because I'm not sure who it is that has access to the entry you created. If it's just me, fine. If it's not, then I'll likely remove these last lines and simply make this a reply to your entry. I love you dearly, even now, and would answer questions that you might want to pose (I'm really unsure how maintaining this line in the sand is going to help you, or even unsure why you've drawn this line now). But, I will also not continue to sit back and let you 'analyze' things this way when there were many other words that aren't being brought up.
And, to be honest, with your new insights from 'afar', I'm keen to find out exactly what my problems are that will prevent me from attaining my goals.
