Thoughts, feelings, and closure
2002-Jul-18, Thursday 10:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ssurgulWell, I think it's probably time, then.
I've finally found my limits, ultimately.
I no longer have any desire to try and explain myself to you. I've grown weary of trying to refresh myself for you. I realize you have issues. I realize you have problems. I realize that these things are all going to be impactive in general to everything. And, I can no longer foresee myself trying to make you understand with any degree of patience. I can no longer see myself finding any sort of reward with your company if we continue to live together. It's just too fraught with far too many landmines which are still there. And I don't see a way that I'll find a way to not step on them, or have any sort of 'positive' feeling about being blown up in that fashion repeatedly.
I am finding myself dreading coming home once more. And I can no longer see my way clear to a singular solution, or even a collection of solutions that will help this situation either.
I can't find any reason to presuppose that your efforts, while large and encompassing and certainly showing some progress, will bring you to a point where I'll be able to actually deal with them, or see them as being useful to reducing the tension and stress that I feel is palpable between us lately.
Your journal entry pointed out, yet again, such a radical fundamental difference, that I can't really see myself as being able to start down the road once more of showing you the distinctions and differences. I'd hoped that I could last through getting you through to a point where you'd have a more decent support structure, you'd have a job to deal with and reward yourself with (for the income if nothing else) but I can't muster the strength to go on with that road. The more I see you getting this, though, the more belligerent and more snappish you become. It does mirror a lot of my own feelings, to be certain, but I don't see myself coming back from this place any time soon this time.
I can no longer find anything left inside me for you. Your mood plummets only serve to amplify my own, and even when I start to get out of my funks, you're always behind me and it tends to just drag me right back down. I can't have that. Suicidal thoughts aren't solely your domain, and I don't need more reinforcement to my own issues with that than I have already. And I know that I'm not doing you any good on that topic either, now, when I have my own mood swing toward the negative and you have a swing upward. It only pushes you down as well.
I can't deal with this, any longer, without snapping in a more fundamental way. And I don't see you having much of a better time with it either. Whether you want to leave my side or not, it's time you do. I feel like I'm standing in your way much more than I'm helping you any more, and I feel that you're hindering me much more than helping me at all as well. I said it before, I feel like it's become a choice between you and the rest of my life. And, I just don't want to keep returning to the choice that is hurting me far more than it's helping me with a plan for a 'return' that will take several years, if ever, to really achieve.
You have something of a support structure that will stand with you, and you have a few places that you can go, even if Andrew can't or won't take you in any longer. Even if it means you'll be under tension and temptation all day and night, you'll have somewhere to be at least for a while until you can land some form of employment.
Which leaves the outstanding balances to contend with. I just paid for the month, a month after I had originally said I 'would', knowing full well that I'd likely have to anyway. But, at least now you've finished your GED tests. Hopefully you've passed them all, and you can start working security or other job where that was your primary roadblock.
The outstanding car, gold card, dental plan, and other assorted expenses will be due. I would like to sell the timeshare off for whatever I can get for it, but obviously I'll need your go-ahead for that plan as well. I will be totaling up the expenses for the original 14 months, per your request. I'll break it down by month and expense source, so you can have an itemized listing of the estimated costs. I will expect some reasonable repayment plan to be presented within a month, to commence at the end of that month. Granted, I'm sure you'll say that this is my expectation, but if you're still going to honor your obligation and your promise to not fuck me over financially, that's what is going to be required. If you have no 'solid' plans, then I'll need to keep the car as well. It's harsh, and hard, but it's also the only way I can make things come together enough to keep myself afloat. A reality you've accepted in the past and which was driven home VERY strongly today as I paid all my bills and all your 'big' bills as well.
I've finally found my limits, ultimately.
I no longer have any desire to try and explain myself to you. I've grown weary of trying to refresh myself for you. I realize you have issues. I realize you have problems. I realize that these things are all going to be impactive in general to everything. And, I can no longer foresee myself trying to make you understand with any degree of patience. I can no longer see myself finding any sort of reward with your company if we continue to live together. It's just too fraught with far too many landmines which are still there. And I don't see a way that I'll find a way to not step on them, or have any sort of 'positive' feeling about being blown up in that fashion repeatedly.
I am finding myself dreading coming home once more. And I can no longer see my way clear to a singular solution, or even a collection of solutions that will help this situation either.
I can't find any reason to presuppose that your efforts, while large and encompassing and certainly showing some progress, will bring you to a point where I'll be able to actually deal with them, or see them as being useful to reducing the tension and stress that I feel is palpable between us lately.
Your journal entry pointed out, yet again, such a radical fundamental difference, that I can't really see myself as being able to start down the road once more of showing you the distinctions and differences. I'd hoped that I could last through getting you through to a point where you'd have a more decent support structure, you'd have a job to deal with and reward yourself with (for the income if nothing else) but I can't muster the strength to go on with that road. The more I see you getting this, though, the more belligerent and more snappish you become. It does mirror a lot of my own feelings, to be certain, but I don't see myself coming back from this place any time soon this time.
I can no longer find anything left inside me for you. Your mood plummets only serve to amplify my own, and even when I start to get out of my funks, you're always behind me and it tends to just drag me right back down. I can't have that. Suicidal thoughts aren't solely your domain, and I don't need more reinforcement to my own issues with that than I have already. And I know that I'm not doing you any good on that topic either, now, when I have my own mood swing toward the negative and you have a swing upward. It only pushes you down as well.
I can't deal with this, any longer, without snapping in a more fundamental way. And I don't see you having much of a better time with it either. Whether you want to leave my side or not, it's time you do. I feel like I'm standing in your way much more than I'm helping you any more, and I feel that you're hindering me much more than helping me at all as well. I said it before, I feel like it's become a choice between you and the rest of my life. And, I just don't want to keep returning to the choice that is hurting me far more than it's helping me with a plan for a 'return' that will take several years, if ever, to really achieve.
You have something of a support structure that will stand with you, and you have a few places that you can go, even if Andrew can't or won't take you in any longer. Even if it means you'll be under tension and temptation all day and night, you'll have somewhere to be at least for a while until you can land some form of employment.
Which leaves the outstanding balances to contend with. I just paid for the month, a month after I had originally said I 'would', knowing full well that I'd likely have to anyway. But, at least now you've finished your GED tests. Hopefully you've passed them all, and you can start working security or other job where that was your primary roadblock.
The outstanding car, gold card, dental plan, and other assorted expenses will be due. I would like to sell the timeshare off for whatever I can get for it, but obviously I'll need your go-ahead for that plan as well. I will be totaling up the expenses for the original 14 months, per your request. I'll break it down by month and expense source, so you can have an itemized listing of the estimated costs. I will expect some reasonable repayment plan to be presented within a month, to commence at the end of that month. Granted, I'm sure you'll say that this is my expectation, but if you're still going to honor your obligation and your promise to not fuck me over financially, that's what is going to be required. If you have no 'solid' plans, then I'll need to keep the car as well. It's harsh, and hard, but it's also the only way I can make things come together enough to keep myself afloat. A reality you've accepted in the past and which was driven home VERY strongly today as I paid all my bills and all your 'big' bills as well.